
I have a secret fondness for the 1970's. Most of my exposure to this decade began around late 1977 because, well...it's hard for me to remember a lot of crap that happened before I was 2. So sure, I remember fondly any television involving Sid and/or Marty Krofft, Hanna-Barbera cartoons, Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids, The Godzilla Power Hour, SuperFriends...the list goes on and on.
This past New Year's Eve, I celebrated the way anyone in their mid-30's who has long ago given up on life would; I walked 15 feet over to the neighbor's house and had dinner. I know, I know...somebody call the cops before this party gets out of control.
After dinner, we turned the party up a few notches and sat in the living room, anxiously anticipating the wheeling out of Dick Clark and the prospect of maybe finally seeing him subtitled for the slurred-speech impaired. Long ago, I devised a theory that today's Dick Clark is actually an animatronic robot and has been since at least early 2001. I also believe that vanilla bean and vanilla are the same flavors, except vanilla bean has less stringent quality-control testing, which allows for the flecks of dirt clearly visible throughout.
Anyhow, we're sitting in the living room and drinking vodka and, since I know nothing outside of pop culture, I begin spouting off on some tangent about Sigmund and the Sea Monsters that would usually result in someone quickly scrambling to talk over me and change the course of the conversation to something someone heard on NPR or a variety of other sleep-worthy topics of conversation.
Let's stop here for a moment. NPR. Seriously, what am I not getting about how great this supposedly is? How have I found my way into social circles where NPR usually becomes a topic of conversation? Have you ever tried listening to this crap? Have you been able to stay awake? If you answered yes, you are more powerful than I and should be nominated to procreate and carry on the survival of the human race. It appears that since I hate NPR, I'm "stupid" and "uneducated." Even my ex-wife, who couldn't quite hack high school and eventually BARELY got her GED, and who I pretty much wrote every paper she ever turned in in college (I should have an honorary bachelor's in geography for the amount of papers I wrote on it) called me an idiot for disliking NPR. This is okay though, because as stupid as I am for not liking NPR, I was smart enough to get away from her and her constant spitting of phlegm into tissues and leaving them sitting on the table, and her....
Sorry, staying on topic...
So I'm talking about Sigmund and the Sea Monsters and I hear something along the lines of "I liked that show, but was really into Bigfoot and Wildboy."
"Yeah, that was cool too, but.....wait......did you just say 'Bigfoot and Wildboy?' "
"Yes."
And in that moment, my neighbor became the teacher, and I was his student. Not only did he not mind my incessant babble, but he wanted part of this conversation. In a big way.
We began a conversation about 70's children's TV that would eventually supercede any desire to turn up the contrast to get a closer look at the wires connecting Dick Clark to his puppeteer. I won't bore you with the details, but in the midst of this talk, he asked me if I liked Ark II.
"What's Ark II?" I asked. And with a smile on his face, he began breaking down the almost unintelligible premise upon which Ark II is based. He then walked to his shelf, pulled the dvds down, and said "Here, watch these."
Ark II, for the uneducated, is the type of show you could pretty much only watch as a child, because I've tried to understand what the hell is happening as I watched episode after episode of this show, yet I continually sit there with a crinkled forehead and agape mouth, occasionally hearing myself uncontrollably mutter "What the fuck just happened?"
From the opening credits of Ark II, we're force-fed this information via a very serious-sounding narrator:
"For millions of years, Earth was fertile and rich. Then pollution and waste began to take their toll. Civilization fell into ruin. This is the world of the 25th century. Only a handful of scientists remain. Men who have vowed to rebuild what has been destroyed… This is their achievement… Ark II, a mobile storehouse of scientific knowledge, manned by a highly trained crew of young people. Their mission: to bring the hope of a new future to mankind."
The phrase "highly trained crew of young people" sounds so out of place you can't help but mutter "huh?" when it's uttered. But Ark II doesn't stop assaulting your sense of reason here. The basic plot of this show, from what I've gathered watching the entire series, is that there's a white guy named Jonah, an Asian chick named Ruth, a Hispanic boy named Samuel, and....get ready....a talking chimpanzee named Adam. This group of "highly trained young people" travel around in this awesome combination RV and laboratory (called Ark II) and try to help 25th century earth, which has become so pollution-ridden it's basically barren and post-apocalyptic, by re-introducing lost ideas to help preserve and save the environment.
Ah yes, but how did these "highly trained young people" (even though Jonah looks to be at least 35 if not older) become so highly trained? Hold on to your skull, for your mind is about to blown. Apparently there is this group of surviving scientists, who I guess are both extremely lazy and really fond of smoking a futuristic hallucinogenic, who decide that the best solution to save the earth is to take their collective knowledge and use it to train 3 annoying kids and a talking monkey to roam around and take samples of dirt, fly around using jet packs, and fight against madmen trying to kill the planet.
Exactly.
"But Mike, tell us more about the talking Chimpanzee." No, I will not. It sounds like an awesome idea (to those who have never had an idea), but the chimpanzee is annoying and very clearly not even talking because there are times when he's talking when his lips aren't even moving. Boulderdash.
Anyhow, as far as 70's mindfucks go, this show gets a gold medal. I'm sure a search of Ark II on youtube or google will eventually present an episode or 2 for your viewing pleasure, but I implore you to watch this first and ask yourself "am I ready for this?"
The answer? No, you are not.
OH SHIT! A talking monkey?! Becky can tell you that I get overly enthusiastic about monkeys. I really miss seeing those Careerbuilder commercials with the monkeys. But for some reason, this looks vaguely familiar. I'll have to look for it. I'm instantly reminded of Damnation Alley because of that big-ass vehicle.
ReplyDeleteRuth is kinda hot.
ReplyDeleteIf you love monkeys, you'll love Adam. Maybe it's worth a look. I've seen it used on Amazon for as low as 6 bucks. It's definitely worth that much.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, Ruth is kinda hot. She's the 2nd hottest character on the show. Adam is way hotter.
By the way, I love your blogs Johnny Virgil. Thanks for checking out mine.